today's dating story is brought to you by the letter g. g for giraffe, that is. giraffe meaning that's how i feel sometimes when guys that are clearly much shorter than me ask me out. does that not bother short boys that their date is a foot taller?! i've spent much of the last decade of my life pondering this question. and i, ladies and gentleman, finally have an answer.
to tell this story, i have to admit something embarrassing. i am once again a tinder user. now that we got that out of the way...
last week i matched with someone we'll call jack. he starts the conversation, "you're really cute, sara". flattering, i suppose. me, being the skeptical realist that i am, respond with, "really though, how many girls have you started a conversation with with that line, eh?" to which he responds, "only the really cute ones." ok, cheese factor 100, i'm out. goodbye.
10 minutes later i get a text from a dear friend asking how the tinder scene is going (just got her to join again the few days prior...heh heh). i respond with the cute little story about the encounter jack and i had just had. to which she replies that a guy had started a conversation the same way with her. you know what's coming next... it was the same guy. (would my life be anything different, come on)
so i just HAD to call him out on it. i got back on and responded to our friend jack, "you matched with one of my best friends and started the conversation the same way with her." to which he replied,"oh, you're the only 2 though." obviously not as embarrassed as i hoped he would be. i know he's lying because he had to ask which girl was my best friend. ok. transparent. and brazilian. (no really though, he's from brazil)
my mistake, we start chatting back and forth and through the course of the conversation he finds out that i love the movie the aristocats. he says (not joking, these are the words he used) "sara, i think we need to watch that movie together and make a memory together." ok... sure... i have an open evening in...oh wait, never.
i put off that proposal for a while. and good thing because things kept getting creepier. you see, our friend jack here, he's from another country, just lurking to find an american wife to take home ("don't worry, my family will love you, they love tall blonde americans" ...thanks, that's so reassuring...)
so i ask how tall he is. 5'8. one inch shorter than me. doesn't sound like a huge difference, but for me it is. call it shallow, call it what you may, but that's my number one thing... i need to be with someone significantly taller than me, for my own confidence's sake. (watch, now that i've posted that i'll marry someone that's 5'0. just my luck)
the next 20 minutes of my life were spent reading message after message to convince me to date a short boy. my case is closed. the decade long question has finally been resolved. again, people, these are real live quotes that came out of this boy's mouth (or i guess fingers, ha ha)
eh-hem. this is why short guys want to date tall women:
1. "let's say we're walking down the street and i decide to j-walk. i can grab your hand and you can keep up with me. if you had short, stubby legs, you would fall behind, get hit by a car, and die. since you have long and lanky ones, you'll make it across safely with me."
2. "hand holding is perfect with a tall girl because you're both the same length of arm away from each other."
(can we please keep in mind i've "known" this boy for 45 minutes by this point?!)
3. "then think about kissing. so nice to kiss a taller girl because my neck doesn't get tired from leaning over."
4. "cuddling is nice too because it can be reciprocated."
5. "and think about our children..."
gag. i don't want to think about our children. i don't want to even think about my own children, let alone children with you, brazilian stranger whom i've exchanged meaningless tinder messages with for 50 minutes. safe to say i stopped responding. but he. kept. sending. messages.
the next day, he messages me in the middle of the day asking if anything is wrong and why i haven't responded and if his reasons were logical. so i just told him, "ya know i'm looking for someone significantly taller than me, sorry. good luck with everything!" and blocked him (one thing i like about tinder, easy out!)
not 5 minutes later, my friend texted me and asked what went down with jack... because he messaged her and asked her what was wrong and why i was being weird and telling her he thought we had such great chemistry, etc. bleck.
i already knew tinder was full of a significant amount of creepers... but this was my first encounter with one. thank goodness for that block button... and thank goodness that jack solved the mystery of why short boys like tall girls
...just think about our children...
No comments:
Post a Comment