this shouldn't happen until age 50

so i had a colonoscopy today.  i started writing out the details of how miserable it is, but then i realized how graphic it was becoming, and decided to censor that one real quick.   let me just say that i am SO SO SOOOOOO grateful i don't have to deal with that experience again for 25 more years.  *shudder*

that was anticlimactic.

i'm a little disappointed to report that friday, they day of the big wedding came... and went... without any hurrah.  not one child even mentioned the wedding!  the closest i came to hearing anything about it was a little girl that brought high heels and asked when she should change into them.  were they so caught up in the thanksgiving festivities that they forgot all about the wedding?  or did it happen at recess when i wasn't around? 

i was speaking to a parent that came in for the feast and casually asked if she had heard about the wedding.  "heard about it?" she replied.  "it's all (insert her child's name here) can talk about.  she said she is in charge of the rings and wanted to borrow mine..."  bahaha. 

good thing they have 9 days of thanksgiving break to forget about the whole thing. 

it's a wedding...?

first grade is absolutely THE best place for me.  i adore my children.  i adore my job and really can't believe i ever doubted for a moment that this was what i wanted to spend the rest of my life doing.  i wish i took more time to write everything down that they say, or things that happen everyday because honestly THEY KILL ME.  especially when they are so set on something that is absolute bologna.  

anyway.  last week we read this story called "foolish ray".  it was a play, so i had different kids come up and act the story out while they were reading.  at one part in the story, foolish ray gets married to this girl sadie.  the two kids that were playing foolish ray and sadie, we'll call them bobby and jane, took it so seriously and couldn't stop laughing about the fact that they were six and were getting married. later that day, during our free write, jane wrote, "i'm getting married today and i hate it!"  then drew a picture of a very sad bride and an eager looking husband, labeled "foolish ray".  then we all dropped it.  

or so i thought.  

yesterday, bobby's friend we'll call paxton shows up to school with these round glasses and a little notebook that he's copiously scribbilng in all day.  i finally ask what it is and he said, "i'm preparing a speech for the wedding!"  "what wedding?"  "bobby and jane's wedding.  it's on friday, and they've asked me to be the preacher."  

what.  

ok, still didn't think much of it.  

but then it keeps getting brought up.  "bobby and jane are getting married on friday."  "are you excited for the wedding on friday?"  "what are you wearing to the wedding on friday, miss ence?"  etc. etc.  i sat down with jane and bobby separately and asked what all this was about.  bobby was not amused.  jane had cooked all this up on her own, asking paxton to be the preacher and arranged everything else, including a best man, bridesmaids, and someone to do her cake and flowers.  WHAT.  firstly, how does she know all this about wedding planning?  secondly, WHY.  we are six!!!!  

amidst my chuckles during all this, i talked to the class about "the wedding", saying it wasn't going to happen on friday and that 6 is way too young to have to worry about anything like that anyway.  but the talk didn't stop!  every conversation, someone brings up the wedding.  even as i'm reading the spelling words for the test this morning and i said the word "make" - then the sentence "i'm going to make a cake after school today."  someone raised their hand and in all seriousness asked if it was the cake for jane's wedding.  

{ as we were sitting working on a work book today and someone asked jane if she was nervous for the wedding tomorrow, another girl cut in and said, "there should be no wedding.  you can't get married until you are 13!!!"  bahahah.  i'm a few years behind, i guess. } 

we have free dress day tomorrow because it's the end of the term, and as today came to a close, the little ones started telling me of the nice dresses and ties they'd picked out for the wedding tomorrow, and the "best man" was so excited to wear his yellow bow tie to school.  seriously?? do they really think this is happening???  we're having a mock thanksgiving feast tomorrow but they're now all calling it the wedding feast.  OH NO. 

i had a nice chat with the whole class before school let out, but i'm almost certain little jane will come to school tomorrow dressed like a bride and who knows, maybe i'll be the flower girl.  

NOT.  

turn left, please.

old people just crack me up. the other day i was driving back from the emc library, at that intersection of 2300 e, you know, with the holiday gas station?  this cute old man was going north and was sitting in the middle of the intersection waiting for a clearing so he could turn left and come down onto the street where i was coming up.  well he never went... his light turned yellow, then red... and he just stayed there.  he kept looking up at the light, and i wondered if he realized he was in THE MIDDLE of the intersection.  my light turned green but i just sat there and waited to see if he would get the memo and turn?  ...nothing.  so i honked to let him know he was in our way... he didn't move!  he didn't even look!  ha ha ha ha ha.  by this point i am dying of laughter.  i look to my left at the car next to me, who is also stuck and can't go anywhere, and the 2 girls in that car are busting up too.  poor man.  so there we sat.  for 2 minutes.  waiting for the light to change again, which it did, and the man happily turned left, without a care in the world.  life is funny sometimes. 

it never rains forever.

i found this beautiful meme today that said, "it never rains forever".  just fell in love with it!  and it's caused me to do a lot of thinking in the past few hours.  

beware, i'm about to get really personal.  people like honest bloggers, right?  good.  here i go. 

i've recently emerged from the darkest year of my life so far.  i can say that now because, well, just that, i've emerged.  surfaced.  come to light.  and because it's been a whole year, which seems unbelievable, but also real, i'm feeling contemplative.  what is it about anniversaries that make you nostalgic and contemplative?  maybe it's just late at night.  but it's fine. 

"it never rains forever."  but sometimes it really does feel like it will.  for the first time in my life, i'm dealing with something that will never go away.  something that will always be there.  like, forever.  something that sprung up unannounced and consumes every thought from sun up to sun down, and even sometimes my subconscious dreams, which is sometimes really weird.  

but the good thing about this life is that it's not forever.  it may rain for a long time on earth, but in heaven, there's no rain.  or if there is, it's the really pretty misty kind.  the kind that freshens the air and lulls you to sleep with its pitter-patter on the roof.  the kind that you throw off your shoes and puddle jump in because you have no cares.  if there's rain in heaven, it will be that kind of rain.  and if it does rain in heaven, at least it won't be forever.  i'm happy about that. 

for now, though, i have to learn to love the rain.  there's that cheesy quote about learning to dance in the rain, not waiting for the storm to pass, you know the one i'm talking about.  see, i used to post quotes like that because they were cute, or i liked the way they sounded, but never really understood what they meant.  i mean, i love rain, it's one of my favorite weathers.  but now, when i see quotes like that, they are frighteningly applicable and send me into deep thought for hours.  maybe that's why i can't sleep tonight.  just may-be.

last december i honestly thought i was dying.  my father calls me a hypochondriac, and that's fine, but really i was withering away.  i spent each day surviving, getting by, existing, and really not much else.  i didn't hang out, i didn't have the energy.  i didn't eat, it made me too sick.  i slept, it was the only thing that made me feel better.  i lazed, i was too tired to do anything.  i cried, a lot.  i made no plans, i was living hour to hour.  i lied to people a lot, assuring them life was good (why do we always do that, by the way?)  i lost weight, an unhealthy amount.  i lost energy, go figure.  i lost purpose, i was so self-centered.  i felt useless and alone, i wasn't making any contributions to society laying in my bed, that's for sure.. 

so then days and months passed and things slowly, almost imperceptibly, started to get better as my understanding did.  i got help and though it was a long few months to pinpoint what was wrong, after test after test and experiments with food, they nailed it.  or at least they (we) think they did.  so i spent my summer slowly emerging from the darkness.  i don't want that to sound so dramatic, but to deny it was dramatic would be to ignore an important part of my life.  life started to have meaning again.  the sun broke through the clouds. i was actually happy again.  not just getting by, but legitimately happy. 

two weeks ago, i was surprised when, at my mission reunion, i caught myself saying to my mission president's wife, "things are on the up finally."  i hadn't planned to say something like that, but she replied with a "finally?  were they not on the up?"  to which i responded, "it's been a tough year, but things are good now, they really are."  that comment has bothered me ever since.  why?  maybe because things really aren't good, they are slipping back where they used to be.  not as bad as they were, yet, but definitely not as good as they could be.  which is why i feel like it is raining.  you know how sometimes rain will tease you?  it'll be really heavy and hard for some minutes, then you think it's going away, but a distant thunder can be heard and when you go outside you realize it hasn't gone away at all, it's just less intense, and maybe you couldn't see it from the window because it wasn't as bad as before, but it's sure as heck still there, pounding the pavement like nobody's business? yep, that's me right now. 

so what now.  i can't live my life like this, existing hour to hour.  and i shouldn't have to.  so we're going in for more reinforcements.  more tests.  a remedy to the problem, not the symptoms.  more answers (hopefully), which scares me, but also brings a sense of hope.  it scares me because i have to start confronting it all again.  and i really am terrified of the unknown.  i received a beautiful blessing from my amazing dad and brother monday morning, and in it he said i needed a renewed sense of hope and faith in the healing power of the atonement.  that i should go forward with faith and hope that a remedy can be found and cures are available.  that Heavenly Father is hearing my prayers.  and that, my friends, is exactly what i needed to hear.  that is exactly how i know it doesn't rain forever. 

it's beginning to look a lot like conference.

there's something about october general conference that just makes my heart sick for the mission.  i think it's because i entered the mtc 3 days before october general conference in 2010, and left the mission just a few days after conference in april of 2012.  to me, conference = sister missionary.  unfortunately, conference hasn't had the same oomph as it had in the mission ever since i've been home.  that makes me sad.  i've always loved conference, but i just haven't felt like the messages were as powerful as they were when i was a full-time missionary. 

last weekend, coleman, robby, ben, lindsey and i drove down way too early on sunday morning to participate in a free speech zone choir prior to conference.  it was a beautiful experience that i hope i can participate in again.  the brethren like to have members singing hymns in the free speech zone to counteract all the nasty protestors and nay-sayers.  there were about 25 of us in our location.  we lined the sidewalk and just sang.  for a good hour and a half, we just sang.  i have always loved the hymns, but for some reason, i felt particularly uplifted and edified by the sacred nature of the hymns throughout this experience.  music has such power to heal broken hearts and calm any situation.  it was great to walk down the sidewalk after the morning session and see the next choir participants in place for round 2 in the afternoon. 

we are so blessed to live on the earth at a time when there is continuing revelation from a loving Heavenly Father to trusted prophets on the earth.  that revelation is real and pertinent to us, in this very day.  the revelation we received last weekend is more relevant that even that of 6 months ago in april.  it is an honor to be associated with this beautiful organization of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints.  life is good. 

ridin' the bull

have i told you lately how much i LOVE the rodeo?  

...must be the cowgirl in me.

call me miss ence.

so, it's official.  i'm a teacher now.  a real live, legitimate, teacher of the cutest first grade class in the history of the world.  i'm totally biased and don't care one bit.  these little ones melt my heart everyday!  i am happier than i have been in a long time, and i know it's because i'm doing exactly what i want to be doing, and what i know i should be doing, and what i've been preparing to do for years.  i go to school everyday and it never feels like work.  i just get to hang out with 25 darling 6-year olds everyday, could it get much better than that?  

i love the unconditional love from 6 year olds.  they have no qualms about opening up and letting you into their lives from day one.  i love the sticky hands that find their way into mine when we're walking in the hall.  i love the knee hugs all day.  i love when they call me "miss excellence".  i love when they laugh.  today was a day when we all laughed a lot.  i love that they think my silliness is the coolest thing in the world.  sometimes i think to myself, "if people saw me in here, i would have no social life..." but i don't really care because hearing kids laugh while they're learning is one of the greatest sounds you can hear.  i love reading to them and watching their eyes get big when flat stanley gets stuck in the tree, or when we found out the absent author wallis wallace was tied up in the hotel room!  i love hearing their stories and watching 13 other hands go up with one-uppers, or stories that really aren't related at all.  i love watching them bring things in the mystery bag and sharing treasures from home.  i love their inventive spelling.  i love their creative pictures and stories.  i love their critical thinking.  i love when they take a smile from my smile bin and hand it to friends that are feeling sad.  i love when they encourage each other and leave turkey talk out in the hall.  i love when they remember their jobs without being asked.  i love that they already have the morning routine down, after 14 days in school.  i love that they bravely performed "zip a dee doo dah" and our class pledge in the opening assembly, just 9 days into school.  i love that they love me, and i love that i love them.  i miss them when i'm not at school,

and hey, that's a really good sign. 

train tracks

remember that time i was 23 and got braces?  

yeah, me too.  

there were times i wondered if it would be worth it.  

but guess what.  it was.  

and let's be honest, i never would've survived them in high school.  

like an ant.

"it is not enough to be busy.  so are the ants. 
the question is... what are we busy about?' 
- henry david thoreau

i feel like the word "busy" has become a status of importance. 
almost a robotic answer for the equally robotic question, "how are you?" 
does how many appointments and un-free minutes determine some sore of satisfaction in our lives ?  maybe.  maybe in this crazy thing we call society. 
for me, being busy isn't a status thing, it's just what i do. 

i went on a date a few weeks ago to the leonardo museum, where i took a test to tell me how much of a multi-tasker i was.  i scored extremely low, like we're talking negative numbers here.  which means that i'm a "high performance multi-tasker".  let's be honest, i didn't need a test to tell me that, BUT it confirmed what i already knew about myself, that i'm actually more efficient and productive when i have many, many things going on at the same time. 

and that's how i felt about my summer. 

i spent a glorious summer working in the mornings for rowland hall's summerworks.  summerworks is a high-energy, fun-saturated summer camp where kids from all over the valley come to partay in some summer excitement.  i was placed with the preschoolers, and couldn't have been happier.  i spent a happy summer teaching "creative corner" (music and art) to the little ones.  my boss told me i would onlt have 2-3 kids every week, that creative corner just never seemed to win out over soccer class and swim lessons.  i was ok with that, and made a determination that it would be the best art class these 2-3 kids ever had.  by the end of the summer, i had 20 kids in my class, and more that wanted to join and couldn't because we didn't have room.  TAKE THAT SOCCER AND SWIM!  ha ha.  what can i say, we had a lot of fun in creative corner!  i wish i would've taken more pictures of the projects we made... they all turned out really great.  except for the thread the yarn through the plastic plate to make a spider web one.  turns out preschoolers don't know how to pull yarn all the way through.  the ones below are from halloween week.  monster hats and q-tip skeletons.  win. 

my other job at summerworks was to manage the morning extended care.  basicaly all the parents that work earlier than camp started could drop their kiddies off to sam and i to watch for an hour and a half.  we played SO many board games.  TOO many board games.  after toe 16th game of sorry on the same day (no joke), i swore i never wanted to see the word "sorry" again.  but overall it was a good time.  there were the boys that always had star wars lego wars, the two little girls that drew a new masterpiece everyday, the one that always laid on the floor and slept, and my buddy aileen that played sorry every.single.day.of.the.summer.  i heart summerworks and was actually really sad when it ended! 

 Oh, and a little halloween action with some of my favorite superhero dudes.  ;) 

the second half of my days was spent with venture outdoors.  just can't get enough ;)  i was officially going to "retire" after last year, but aimee mcconkie called and convinced me to join up again.  the exciting thing was that we merged with millcreek movie nights and millcreek farmers market to produce 13 events this summer, instead of just one big one.  it was so fun... for the first month... ha ha... then it got kind of old.  i have lots of ideas about how to make it bigger and better next year, i felt like it got kind of "blah" and "same old" as the summer went on, which is why i think we lost so many participants... but the movies were always a great hit!  nothing like a little flick under the summer stars :)  i LOVE working for aimee mcconkie and had a great summer at the festivals.  i'll probably be back next year.  just love me some millcreek.  her husband bryant warned me not to get too involved in comunity stuff because it would get addicting and suck me in.. well too late... i love supporting the commnity and being involved in any way i can.  venture outdoors has been a great outlet for that positive community-loving, event-planning energy.  not to mention i've met some amazing people through it!  wouldn't trade those relationships for the world.  mm-mm. and i really wouldn't spend my friday nights any other way. 

 

when i wasn't venturing out or summerworks-ing, i spent lots of time preparing for fall and my little firsties.  probably spent way more time than necessary, but i didn't mind, i loved (and still love) every minute of teaching and prep and lesson planning and all the above!  (more on that in a later post). 

summer got busier when god decided to call me to serve in the relief society.  i wasn't mad.  still not mad.  in a deep discussion with whitney england one night, i was mentioning that sometimes with this health issue i deal with now i just want to lock myself in my room and not see anyone... just exist, not have to thrive or be social.  at all.  she made the comment that this calling will not allow me to close off and that would be a blessing in so many ways that i didn't realize now.  it was such a small comment, but has really got me thinking and i've seen the wisdom she meant to instill come true so many times since she mentioned it.  i love relief society and surprisingly love the boundaries of my comfort zone it is causing me to burst through at incremental speeds.  whoooosh. 


the other best part of my summer was this guy coming home!!  by the time i saw him it had been 999 days, count 'em, 999 DAYS!  since i hugged him or seen his beautiful face.  he was so much taller than i remember.  it's been awesome having him around again... he adds spice to every situation and i love him. 

 

this is such a broad and un-doing-justice post to the many great adventures i had this summer, but oh well.  i shouldn't try to play catch up.. just too overwhelming.  so there's a few highlights. amen. 

celebrating dads.

i love my dad.  everyone brags about their dad on father's day.  i don't want to brag about russell b, just want to let the world know how grateful i am for him.  when i was little, i would always go up and whisper in his ear "you're my special boy, yes you are" and he would whisper back "you're my special girl, yes you are".  he's taught me to love life, laugh at myself and find humor in every situation, work hard and play hard, serve the Lord with all my heart, might, mind, and strength even when i don't think i have the energy or time, and bear testimony any chance i get.  he loves my mom like no man has loved his wife.  he treats those around him with respect, love, and kindness.  he goes out of his way to make people smile, whether it be a witty comment at the dinner table, or a joke to the waiter or cash register attendant.  i've always admired the way he keeps everything in his life organized when he has so many different things going on all the time, and he does it all with a smile on his face.  his love for life is contagious and his dedication to causes greater than himself inspiring.  i love love love spending time with my dad, and look forward to this new calling to get to know him in a different way than before.  he's an amazing bishop and even more amazing father.  above all, he's taught me to love the Father of us all, our Father in Heaven.  without that relationship, my life would be useless and bland.  he know his Savior, and because of that, i have come to know Him too.  

i love you, daddy! 

what's a good title for this blog post?

i've become one of those people that never updates her blog.  boo.

in any case, since my last post a million months ago, i have: 

- student taught 7 weeks in a fifth grade science class 

- finished college, nbd.

- walked down the utah state aisle in man robes to receive my fake diploma

- joined the ward softball team, HAH

- played piano for a wedding of a dear friend 

- been to teacher fairs, interviews, and teaching opportunities 

- landed a first grade job at canyon rim academy, my DREAM SCHOOL

-  used some hard core LEAP skills to land said first grade job

- created a linkedin profil

- accepted a summer job at Rowland Hall Summer Works kids summer camp.  woo! 

- been set up and gone on numerous dates and still have no boyfriend ;) 

- met 3 babies of 3 friends 

- strengthened my testimony in the Lord's timing 

- seen miracles through the power of the priesthood

- watched the emc boys bball team take regional champ status

- visited san diego on the ultimate spring break adventure 

- experimented a gluten-free diet for a month

- did NOTHING for april fools day (this is a first) 

- discovered snapchat 

- drove to St George and back in the same day

- turned 24

- welcomed home my last companion from the mission: dear whitney england

- finished a few great books: "nobody don't love nobody", written by and about my dear student teaching supervisor, stacey bess, and "a million miles in a thousand years: how i learned to live a better story" - SO inspirational! 

- started 3 new books... can't i ever just read one at a time?  

- finished up mission prep class with the home stake.  sad to see it come to an end, it's been an incredible journey to teach these amazing youth the past 5 months

- met with a nutrition counselor (finally)

- sold visiting teaching services at a ward auction, and now have double to do this month 

- gained a stronger testimony about the power of visiting teaching, so the previous point is a good thing

- been to moab with the ward of singles

- made a hefty summer bucket list 

- remembered the joy of bread and muffins after not eating gluten for a month 

- gone strong on the gratitude project... did i ever tell you about this? (eyes out for another post)

- laughed at way too many ryan gossling "hey girl" memes.  my favorite: "hey girl, wanna go shopping?  i just downloaded the joann app on my phone for you".  

- said goodbye to parker, laci and the wee babe ruby, who've left us for texas

- discovered more ridiculous youtube videos.  this week's dumb award goes to where's the chapstick?

- hung out with multiple mission peeps and felt so homesick for canadia

- celebrated the birthday and mother's day of the most amazing mother around

- spoke in 2 wards (aren't i off the high council circuit yet?!) 

- rediscovered my love for country music 

- started working on my summer tan 

- introduced my seester to facebook finally. 

- played piano more than i have in years and loved. every. minute. of. it. 

- created my first real website 

- committed to another summer of venture outdoors.  the catch: not one, but 13 events!  aaaah. 

- had my first overnight(s) babysitting gig... and survived the week 

- ran a red light 

- decided to grow my hair out for a while 

- had a watermelon cake for my birthday 

- lost 5 more pounds 

- got pulled over for the first time 

- also got my first speeding ticket
- written a blog post 

needless to say life is always eventful.  i have great plans for summer 2013, methinks it's going to be epic.  

p.s. coleman comes home in 44 days, wha wha?