beware, i'm about to get really personal. people like honest bloggers, right? good. here i go.
i've recently emerged from the darkest year of my life so far. i can say that now because, well, just that, i've emerged. surfaced. come to light. and because it's been a whole year, which seems unbelievable, but also real, i'm feeling contemplative. what is it about anniversaries that make you nostalgic and contemplative? maybe it's just late at night. but it's fine.
"it never rains forever." but sometimes it really does feel like it will. for the first time in my life, i'm dealing with something that will never go away. something that will always be there. like, forever. something that sprung up unannounced and consumes every thought from sun up to sun down, and even sometimes my subconscious dreams, which is sometimes really weird.
but the good thing about this life is that it's not forever. it may rain for a long time on earth, but in heaven, there's no rain. or if there is, it's the really pretty misty kind. the kind that freshens the air and lulls you to sleep with its pitter-patter on the roof. the kind that you throw off your shoes and puddle jump in because you have no cares. if there's rain in heaven, it will be that kind of rain. and if it does rain in heaven, at least it won't be forever. i'm happy about that.
for now, though, i have to learn to love the rain. there's that cheesy quote about learning to dance in the rain, not waiting for the storm to pass, you know the one i'm talking about. see, i used to post quotes like that because they were cute, or i liked the way they sounded, but never really understood what they meant. i mean, i love rain, it's one of my favorite weathers. but now, when i see quotes like that, they are frighteningly applicable and send me into deep thought for hours. maybe that's why i can't sleep tonight. just may-be.
last december i honestly thought i was dying. my father calls me a hypochondriac, and that's fine, but really i was withering away. i spent each day surviving, getting by, existing, and really not much else. i didn't hang out, i didn't have the energy. i didn't eat, it made me too sick. i slept, it was the only thing that made me feel better. i lazed, i was too tired to do anything. i cried, a lot. i made no plans, i was living hour to hour. i lied to people a lot, assuring them life was good (why do we always do that, by the way?) i lost weight, an unhealthy amount. i lost energy, go figure. i lost purpose, i was so self-centered. i felt useless and alone, i wasn't making any contributions to society laying in my bed, that's for sure..
so then days and months passed and things slowly, almost imperceptibly, started to get better as my understanding did. i got help and though it was a long few months to pinpoint what was wrong, after test after test and experiments with food, they nailed it. or at least they (we) think they did. so i spent my summer slowly emerging from the darkness. i don't want that to sound so dramatic, but to deny it was dramatic would be to ignore an important part of my life. life started to have meaning again. the sun broke through the clouds. i was actually happy again. not just getting by, but legitimately happy.
two weeks ago, i was surprised when, at my mission reunion, i caught myself saying to my mission president's wife, "things are on the up finally." i hadn't planned to say something like that, but she replied with a "finally? were they not on the up?" to which i responded, "it's been a tough year, but things are good now, they really are." that comment has bothered me ever since. why? maybe because things really aren't good, they are slipping back where they used to be. not as bad as they were, yet, but definitely not as good as they could be. which is why i feel like it is raining. you know how sometimes rain will tease you? it'll be really heavy and hard for some minutes, then you think it's going away, but a distant thunder can be heard and when you go outside you realize it hasn't gone away at all, it's just less intense, and maybe you couldn't see it from the window because it wasn't as bad as before, but it's sure as heck still there, pounding the pavement like nobody's business? yep, that's me right now.
so what now. i can't live my life like this, existing hour to hour. and i shouldn't have to. so we're going in for more reinforcements. more tests. a remedy to the problem, not the symptoms. more answers (hopefully), which scares me, but also brings a sense of hope. it scares me because i have to start confronting it all again. and i really am terrified of the unknown. i received a beautiful blessing from my amazing dad and brother monday morning, and in it he said i needed a renewed sense of hope and faith in the healing power of the atonement. that i should go forward with faith and hope that a remedy can be found and cures are available. that Heavenly Father is hearing my prayers. and that, my friends, is exactly what i needed to hear. that is exactly how i know it doesn't rain forever.
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